Getting Old – 14th March, 2007

On Wednesday 21st December 2006, I spotted something on my head, glinting in the light. I was in the middle of a press junket with a gorgeous American actor and all I could think about was the silver lightening bolt seemingly coming out of my head. On close inspection, it turned out to be my first grey hair. I tried to convince myself that it was blonde, but I could clearly see the difference.

Needless to say, I promptly yanked out the offending strand and put it in a little purple box. It’s saved for the day when I have a whole head of grey hair and need to turn to L’Oreal for help. I can use it to do a strand test and see which fake hair colour will work best. Funnily enough, I thought my L’Oreal years were a long way off but now I think I’m getting a second grey hair. This is terrible. TERRIBLE. What’s next? Growing a beard? Personally, I’d opt for electrolysis… but back to the original dilemma… what do I do about my grey hair?

I’m thinking I should grow a full bush of pubes before I go grey down there as well and have no option but to take it all off. But I can’t bring myself to go around looking like Epping Forest. Plus, I’m not sure I’ll ever find a bloke brave enough to face this undergrowth. The jungle life isn’t for everyone, after all. Maybe I can wax it into a neat ‘landing strip’ and, with the help of a bit of Velcro, stick on a brown muff wig (the correct term is ‘merkin’ in case you want to know). Failing that, I guess I could embrace my grey and try to change perceptions of the ageing female by flashing my bits proudly to anyone who wants a look-see. But life as a stripper called Silver Fox would have too many draw-backs… all women go grey eventually so the competition would be too fierce.

Maybe I’m thinking too deeply about grey affecting my minge? I ought to focus on my face. At least a grey ‘tash would be invisible. And even the beard won’t need electrolysis if it’s grey.  Hey, maybe there’s an up-side to going grey after all… or am I just trying to convince myself? Either way, the fact remains – I’m getting old. Blimey. I guess I need to grow up now and act more mature. Or I need to find a much older man who’ll make me look like an 18 year old in comparison. Does anyone have a fit grand-dad? Just kidding! What I meant to say was does anyone have a rich and fit grand-dad? Then he can buy me some dark brown hair implants. Who says I need to go grey, eh? Hell no. Not me.

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