Dance Like Beyonce At Your Wedding (Crazy In Love)

You’ve got to admire Beyonce … The woman rocks out arenas for two hours straight, night after night, wearing ridiculously high heels. That’s got to hurt. If it was me, I’d be guzzling painkillers the whole night through. It’s bad enough when you hit the club on a Saturday night. It’s not long before you start scanning the venue for a comfy seat, or even resort to kicking off your stilettos to go barefoot. Foot ache can start to nag like tooth ache very quickly. Unfortunately.

There are no such choices for Beyonce at her gigs and your wedding day is your own Beyonce moment; all eyes on you, hour after hour, all night long. You’re the queen of the dancefloor, jumping, shimmying, shaking and swaying through every single song being delivered by your band or DJ. Your feet start throbbing and no amount of adrenalin can anaesthetize the pain. There’s no avoiding it; the wedding’s in full swing but the bride’s about to fall flat. Thank God. For flat soles, that is. Yep, most savvy brides have their maid of honour stash a pair of flats for them in a bag, ready to produce at that crucial moment when you’re ready to start crying or screaming.

A simple satin pair of ballerina pumps, dyed to match the colour of your dress, will suffice. But, if you want some bling to match your wedding ring, I’d suggest this sparkly, white, patent pair currently on sale in Fenwicks (Brent Cross Shopping Centre). Check out the faux diamonds and pearls… Even Prince (Symbol or whatever he’s called these days) would surely approve.

For £25, these will be a cheap saviour on the most important night of your life. So, let things go flat on your wedding night – and have a better time!

Ladies Aren’t What They Used To Be – Part 2 (Not Suitable For Kids)

Earlier this year, I went to a club night in London which was one of the most eye-popping I’ve attended in the last 12 months. It was an urban themed event with a hip hop edge, where budding MCs freestyle against each other in hopes of winning a cash prize. Not to be outdone, ‘dancers’ round off the night with a booty shaking contest – again driven by the chance to win a sum of cash. Hotpants or G-strings are optional but favoured. Fair enough, each to their own. Shake what your momma gave you if you’re that hard up for cash but… Why flounce the object of the competition (butt shaking) when you lose? One disgruntled entrant was so aghast at being voted off at the end of the first round, she decided to flash her breasts to the entire club. Twice. Her momma must be so proud (see video link below).

Every entrant (MC, booty shaker, DJ) at the event agrees to be filmed for the club night’s YouTube channel, which – judging by the number of video views – must be raking in considerable dough from ad revenue. Furthermore, all spectators are also encouraged to film the events on their mobile phones, after which the footage naturally becomes their own to share online with their friends.

So, this begs the question, why shake what your momma gave you to win a few quid from an event organiser who can potentially make thousands from the videos of your performance? Why not shake your ass or bare your breasts to your own webcam on your own channel and rake in all the dough for yourself?

This is why I say ‘ladies aren’t what they used to be’. First of all, we aren’t being very ladylike in the club or on camera but, secondly -  and, in my view, most importantly- we aren’t being very smart about making money from our own personal brands. Why let someone else benefit? If you want to sell your body on camera, become the Oprah Winfrey of that show! Don’t end up being a spectator at your own party!